How smart people handle difficult people

How smart people handle difficult peopleHow smart people handle difficult peopleDifficult people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other peoples buttons. Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all stress.Looking for an inspiring way to start your day? Sign up forMorning MotivationIts our friendly Facebook robot that will send you a quick note every weekday morning to help you start strong. Sign up here by clicking Get StartedStudies have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus - an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small arms that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success - when stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your non-profit is working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, youre bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. Its the unexpected sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most.Recent research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions - the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with difficult people - caused subjects brains to have a massive stress response. Whether its negativity, cruelty, the victim syndrome, or just plain craziness, difficult people drive your brain into a stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under press ure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and weve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to neutralize difficult people. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ to keep difficult people at bay.While Ive run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when dealing with difficult people, what follows are some of the best. To deal with difficult people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you cant. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.They set limitsComplainers and negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure to listen to complainers because they dont want to be seen as callous or rude, but theres a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional spiral.You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? Youd distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a productive direction.They rise aboveDifficult people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix? The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it sho uld be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and approach your interactions like theyre a science project (or youre their shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You dont need to respond to the emotional chaos - only the facts.They stay aware of their emotionsMaintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You cant stop someone from pushing your buttons if you dont recognize when its happening. Sometimes youll find yourself in situations where youll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldnt be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.Think of it this way - if a mentally unstable person approaches you on the street and tells you hes John F. Kennedy, youre unlikely to set him straight. When you find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly derailed thinking, sometimes its best to just smile and nod. If youre going to have to straighten them o ut, its better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.They establish boundariesThis is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldnt be further from the truth. Once youve found your way to Rise Above a person, youll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when you dont. For example, even if you work with someone closely on a project team, that doesnt mean that you need to have the same level of one-on-one interaction with them that you have with other team members.You can establish a boundary, but youll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where youll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.They dont die in the fightSmart people know how important it is to live to fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your emotions, youre able to choose your battles wisely and only stand your ground when the time is right.They dont focus on problems - only solutionsWhere you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems youre facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress.When it comes to toxic people, fixating o n how crazy and difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and focus instead on how youre going to go about handling them. This makes you more effective by putting you in control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting with them.They dont forgetEmotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesnt mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of whats happened so that you can move on. It doesnt mean youll give a wrongdoer another chance. Smart people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.They squash negative self-talkSometimes you absorb the negativity of other people. Theres nothing wrong with feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the negativity or help you m ove past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.They get some sleepIve beaten this one to death over the years and cant say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, so that you wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when you dont get enough - or the right kind - of sleep. Sleep deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without a stressor present. A good nights sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to deal effectively with them.They use their untersttzung systemIts tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has someone at work and/or outside work who is on their team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution that you cant because they are not as emotionally invested in the situation.Bringing it all togetherBefore you get this system to work brilliantly, youre going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress -relieving techniques for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.Travis Bradberry is the co-author ofEmotional Intelligence 2.0and the co-founder ofTalentSmart.This column first appeared on LinkedIn.